After completing my studies in business administration in Berlin, I embarked on my corporate journey as a business analyst with Coca-Cola in Essen. My career took me back to Berlin to be the chief controller of a TV production company and I moved later to the consulting and corporate world of Lufthansa, where I traveled globally from Kuwait, Mexico, Ecuador, to Sydney or Nairobi and beyond. Each role enriched my experience and understanding of project and process management, and most importantly cross-cultural teamwork. I always enjoyed international environments.
Behind the professional facade, my journey was deeply personal and transformative. Leaving Berlin was my first step toward independence from home. My corporate roles, while fulfilling and diverse, often clashed with my values, though I did not fully understand them at the time and how to align them with my choices.
How Did I Move from Corporate to Transformational Coaching?
With all the different experiences I gained in the international airline world – and I still love this industry, connecting the world – I followed my intuitive voice and left corporate. One of my friends challenged me with a postcard in a Berlin bar that said: “When will you choose you?” She has too long heard me procrastinate and this question was there right in my face. She was right, it was time to take a decision and move on. Back in November of 2008, I decided to leave my job in the following spring. Many people around were a bit jealous that I had the courage to just leave, others and also some family members did not understand my move, my parents were very supportive though. Closing this door opened another door and I met Thomas only a month after I had decided to quit my job and embark on my own journey. It is amazing how one decision made space for something beautiful in my personal life.
Suppressing Stress Was My Default Mode
In April, only five days after leaving my corporate job, I had to go to the emergency room with strong rotational vertigo. I could not get up, stand straight or walk, I literally lost my stability, my nervous system was overwhelmed. Today I know that I had detached from the underlying stress, fears, doubts and questions I had not felt into and dealt with. I had completely lost my balance. I knew I was healthy from a medical point of view. I had no clue what to do. I moved out of a very busy working environment into nothing. I could neither enjoy my free time, nor did I have a direction. I hided this part on the outside and pretended also for myself that all was ok. The vertigo appeared from time to time for another few months and got weaker over time until it disappeared.
My Kid’s Shoe Store Project
I knew I could rely on my savings so I felt there was nothing to worry. I was a risk taker but not really honest with myself that it did not feel as easy as it appeared. I did not investigate my inner world back then, I was used to move on. I invested into facilitator trainings that I enjoyed and parallel I started my first project to open a kid’s shoe store. This was an idea I had when I moved to Cologne. I felt there was a lack for high quality kid’s shoes. So, there I go pursuing my idea: I visited fairs, had shoe distributors at home, went to Croatia where I visited a production site for shoes, made a concept how they could expand to other countries, worked on my business plan. I managed to organize all of that easily and it was fun. Unconsciously, I was diving more into the consulting business for the shoe company instead of exploring my own needs. I was busy with this project and the distraction was perfect. I started looking for shops to rent and then uncertainties showed up. Do you really want to rent a space for the next 5-10 years now?
Was the shoe store really my intention? Well, no, maybe not now, I thought. I had my concept in the drawer, just in case…In hindsight, the shoe store represented my needs and values and was a symbol for all of that. About 10 months after I had left corporate, I decided it was maybe better to work on something I had expertise on. So, I left my shoe store project aside. I started some smaller project assignments, made inconsistent money. Sometimes I made 4k per month, sometimes 2k, sometimes nothing. I still had my savings and I was willing to spend it all so I moved on with doing and searching. Back then I hadn’t realized how much I was detached from feeling into my needs and worries and emotions beneath. I was so used to “doing” instead of “being”.
Asking for Support Felt Like a Big Stretch
It took me weeks to spread the message that I was available for freelance projects on the market. The internet was not that much of a source back then and my biggest difficulty was to reach out for help. I had deep fears around asking for help, conditioned to manage it all by myself. I believed that was the only way to move on. Finally, after postponing the call to one of my trainers for a week, and another week, and another week, he connected me immediately and I got back into projects and consulting with ease. It was a win-win for all. I had project assignments, my resource was useful, I made money again and I continued to invest into my education. All good, as a freelancer you are somewhere in-between employment and entrepreneurship. It was a good option, not going into full risk and having jobs. Sales was up to the others – a relief back then being in the “second row”. Again, this work did not feel aligned, I was capable of doing it but I did not explore my inner voice. I would always reason with my thinking mind that there was nothing missing and that I should not complain, that all was good. Since I always liked the people I worked with, I struggled with my decision to leave these jobs (again). I was in the freelance world for about four years, also working in Ukraine and again traveling more than I had wished for.
Like a Caterpillar Transforming Into a Butterfly
Struggling silently with my decisions, only Thomas knew how I felt. He would describe my struggles with the process of a caterpillar on its way to turning into a butterfly. Indeed that natural process is very powerful and is closely related to a battle for survival. Struggle seemed to be a familiar pattern before showing up for myself. Finally, in November of 2014, I cut the cords and left the organizational world for good it seemed. Something completely new had to emerge. I was sure of that. Again, I did not know where I was heading, I knew I had to take another direction and I also remember that I felt shame at the age of 44 for being where I was back then. I did not know back then that these were all life’s invitations for change and inner truth.
A Turning Point – My Healing Journey
My life had a different plan for me. In February of 2015 I was diagnosed with breast cancer – BOOM. There we go. In August of 2014 I had my last medical check-up. And, in December and January I felt something was wrong in my body. My energy level was at an all time low. I felt exhausted and today I know why I felt so drained. After I received the diagnosis, it was time to turn to myself and embark on my own healing journey. I was immediately well connected with my intuition, a powerful source I had neglected. I felt the power in accepting what was and I soon knew I would be all right and heal. I embraced my journey powerfully. I never identified with the disease with “I am”, I intuitively used the verb “I have”. I deeply felt, we can always feel whole. However, my biggest difficulty was not going through the consciously chosen therapies – they had its price – the biggest challenge was to stand up to the medical system and advices I sensed I did not need. Two worlds were meeting each other – the scientific world, focused on modern medicine and medication, the visible and observable and my intuitive knowledge and inner world, the innate and non-observable. I did take my decisions and learnt to trust myself more and more. It seemed easier on the outside than it was on the inside, especially when I chose a different path than advised. I had so much fear around being true to myself, I never wanted to upset others and this fear from being left or disliked for my choices had too much weight. Even though the mind could rationalize that this was not useful at all, the rational mind is not our leader. The “old conditioned patterns” are the leading forces as long as they do not get dealt with and released. Today, I see and understand all of that differently.
After this formal healing journey ended in spring of 2016, I needed time to integrate my healing experience on the soul level. There was no way I would be going back to the organizational world. I had this picture of overwhelm and hard work and I definitely wanted to avoid that one. However, the nervous system is not only under stress when we are out of balance and overdoing, it is also under stress when we do not live our potential and do something we are not aligned with. It is this compromise many people live and are unhappy with throughout their professional and personal life.
Discovering My Writing Skills
Initially I worked for Thomas in his business, we made a part-time agreement. It was a great option for my slow re-start with a quite low salary compared to my prior corporate earnings though. I had flexibility in time, I moved automation projects, made my position obsolete over time, up-leveled his business with my experience and I had freedom of choices adapting to my level of energy. My brain activity was slow for many more months. The effects of the medication are enormous on our brain. Conceptual work needs a lot of energy and I could mostly concentrate for two hours maximum. That was hard to accept since I looked quite healthy and felt good. I had more than learnt to listen to my body. It was time to take it slowly. During this time I started writing and experienced how easy it felt for me to write. For the first time in my life, I felt that something was really easy. And, to complete this success story related to ease and alignment, I published my first book in 2018. I had entered a different career without consciously noticing it.
Founding My Own Company
By the end of 2016, Thomas and I founded our company, reconnect health consulting GmbH & Co. KG. The aim was to combine our expertise, reconnecting people to body and mind and offering it in different ways to individuals and organizations. I enjoyed working on our first website back then, it was creative. I did all the formal tasks, contracts and all needed documents were in place. I was not much visible on the outside. For about three years while also working for Thomas’ business, I was organizing job and health related activities for our clients and I was extremely good at hiding my own gifts. I was busy enough with everything else and focusing more on the impact for Thomas business instead of my own. I did offer some coaching, facilitation and trainings but the prices I charged and the energy I invested or believed I had to invest brought me low hourly rates or I gifted sessions. These were all my choices, I always owned them, no one to blame. Struggling with value and self-worth is a common thing for entrepreneurs, especially for women and I was there, too. I never felt that on a deep level as an employee or a freelance consultant. But I could definitely feel it when I had to fully show up for myself.
I gained experience in the years I was not making much money. I learnt to earn little and I made it ok. To be honest, it never felt really aligned to play small, either. I invested further into myself, had a loan to continue my path because I sensed I need to just continue. I went through valuable courses and healings and finally stepped out of my uncomfortable comfort zone by the end of 2019 and committed myself to walk the coaching path. When the pandemic hit, I got more involved in the international world, I joined the mindvalley community in 2021 which has contributed to my own expansion and growing my international network beautifully since.
Today I Love to Serve Leaders
Only last year leaders, mainly owners, managing partners and entrepreneurs restarted to come into my business life. Today I love to serve leaders one on one or in group course settings with a transformed version of myself, integrating all of my experience, valuing all of it instead of cutting it off and trusting my intuitive and sensitive super powers. I know that I offer my fullest heart to my clients but I have also learnt that not everyone is my client and I am not everyone’s guide, either. I sense and I dive deep. Beneath the pain lies the truth. Transformational work requires the courage and commitment to face conditioned patterns that arise in the process and the willingness to move out of them into one’s next level of wholeness.
I guide leaders into their conscious leadership and self-leadership, guiding them to let go of draining self-doubts and psychological games within themselves and with others. Through connecting with their emotions and leading from their powerful self, they are empowering others by bringing that energy into their organizational and personal fields. It is an intense and fruitful journey. The ripple effect is big. I am happy I have the guides for myself that support and also challenge me on unfolding my gifts to facilitate, guide and mentor others into their heart-centered self with honesty, serving from a place of love and inner truth.
Embracing the Unofficial Journey
There are no certificates to be gained from our life paths but a dense learning curve if we decide to feel, face our blocked and shadowy layers, embrace them and move into the truest version of ourselves, making a difference. We need to walk the path for ourselves first if we want to guide others.
Unmasking the emotional attachment around the unofficial version of my journey feels liberating. The past loses the power over the present only when the last percentage of attachment is gone. Once feeling shame and guilt around these stories now feels empowering to share. No one can hurt us, that’s our own job – my favorite quote by Byron Katie has been one of my guiding principles. Unmasking and showing up with our true selves is the biggest gift we can give to ourselves and to others and I am committed to continue my journey. Everything we need is already within us, only waiting to be uncovered.
Let’s do this together. I am ready.
Marijana, Cologne, July 18th, 2024
Übersetzung folgt 🙂